No, God in all His mercy and love sent His Son to lift me out of the pit (and to add me to His team of lifters) so I would no longer have to live in that kind of greif.   In the new life I have greif that leads to life, that moves me forward in becoming who I am to be.

No regrets!

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death  2 Corinthians 7:10

I’ve been listening to a Michael Knott song lately, “This is the Healing”. You can purchase it here. It’s on LSU’s “This is the Healing” album.

“This Is the Healing”

You’ve been seen with a stiff lip
It’s happening to the best when the pain grips
You’ve been beaten by the bell
In all that you do
You thought Hell was a place one goes to
But your Hell on Earth is true

This is the healing
Give me tears from all your bitter years
This is the healing
Salt the wounds, the healing will come soon

You’ve tried to philosophize your pain
But the hurts in your heart
And not in your brain
You could be hit by the Spirit
And be made new
You thought Heaven was a place one goes to
But this Heaven on Earth is true

Chorus

Open your heart

The work required towards healing wounds and walking the path God intends can be tiring, fearful and hard at times.  With all the rest of life:  family, work, friends, church, kids, etc., it can be easier to just look away and try to just make it through today.  The short sightedness of this attitude is not lost on me.  When I am exhausted and scared of what may be, it is an indicator that I’m attempting to climb a rock face by myself; without Jesus, without the fellowship He has put me in, without encouragement.  Often, it has been with great reluctance that I have stepped back into the fray alongside brothers and sisters.  Whether out of embarrassment or arrogance or fear the end result is the same.

I am one of those people that want it done now . . . I want to be done with this part of my journey (of walking into wounds and dealing with them) and on to the part that I am living out of wellness, taking my part in His story.  This distraction is, maybe one of the worst.  I get so caught up in wanting to be done instead of doing the work to be done, the work where I learn how to live.

Sometimes I just wasn’t ready for the next step.  This isn’t really a hindrance in the way other factors might be, but it can still be frustrating because I want so much to be in a different place.  I love that God has so much grace for me, that He does not want me to step out into what could be devastating for me and brings me along in His mercy.  As I come to realizations and ask the question, “Why didn’t I see that back then?” the answer always comes clearly that I was not ready.   This response is always acceptable to those walking with you and not being ready can become a hindrance for them.  I’ve found that it’s best to be honest about where I am and count that my fellow travelers will be given peace – if not, then, in many ways, they aren’t walking with me and they are not allowing grace for my boundaries.

That’s a nice segue to the issue of how pressure from others have been a factor.  The hardest part is I am where I am and just because others might want me to be in a different place doesn’t mean it should be.  The best I can do is to communicate as best I can, give as much grace as I can and rest in the hands of my Savior and God.  If those around me are working from their own expectations and can’t accept the path God has me on (and where I am on that path) there really isn’t anything I can do about that.

…baby step onto the elevator… baby step into the elevator… I’m *in* the elevator. [doors close] AHHHHHHHHHHHH! – Bob Wiley; character in “What about Bob?“

Just as we learned in the movie “What About Bob?”, there are steps we need to take to make changes in our lives. Often, just taking that first step is too much. I have found this to be the case for me, the down side is, things don’t just stay the same, they tend to go the opposite direction. Why can it seem so hard to take that first step?

Most of the time I did not understand why it was so hard to take these first steps. I really hadn’t done the work to understand all the answers to all my “whys.” I would read more, ask more people, dismiss the step, fight change, pray (plead) – anything to avoid that first step. When I finally would take the first step (if I did) I would find that it was like changing from trying to walk in water to walking on dry land: the following steps were so much easier and more natural. Looking back over the past two years I can see that some of the steps I “couldn’t” take were steps that I shouldn’t have been taking (and some of the ones I did take fell in that same category).

This journey has been long and choosing the side paths make it longer and harder to find my way back to the path where God wants me. There were many people pressing on me for specific changes, as well as me pressing myself. A combination of not being ready, not seeking God’s counsel, wanting to be “done”, and pressures from those around me who didn’t necessarily have healing in their agenda worked together to make staying on path difficult.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Confucius

The process of living in community with others began for me a few years ago, as I shared in this post, when I took the risk of sharing my issues with finances.  That event is a good example of safe waters for risk.  I met my friend, let’s call him Joe, through church.  He was the leader of the small group my wife and I started attending at our new church and we had known each other previously through Boy Scouts.  So, we had shared interests and had started the process of knowing each other through our weekly small group with our families and another small group revolving around mountain biking.  Before I took the risk of sharing a big thing, we had both taken risks in small things – this laid the foundation.

When I shared with him about not handling my finances, Joe didn’t do any of the things I thought he would:  laugh at me, make light of my situation, reject our friendship.  He did do a few things that surprised me:  he something, he understood my difficulties, he accepted me where I was.  This was the start of a weekly meetings that have continued for the last 4 or 5 years where we have spoke into each others lives and been amazing support for each other through some difficult times.

The main lesson for developing “safe waters” is that you have to seek them out.  You may need them right now, but if you have cultivated intimacy, transparency, memories in your friendships you will not have safe places to be yourself.  Start today!   One small risk can lead to all kinds of grace, understanding and good times.

I have all kinds of rules that I have learned and taught myself.  As God has been growing me many of these “rules” have been confronted and I haven’t always liked my “rules” being messed with.  I mean, these rules have good reason to be here, they protect me from a very ugly world and have kept me safe for 30+ years.  True, they have kept me safe – safety by surrounding me and caging me in – keeping me from the life that I was designed for.   I remained safe from the things that could hurt me, but I was also kept from all that could help me – life, love, relationship, grace, intimacy . . .

My “rules” were learned from the frame of reference that I had to make it on my own.  What God was teaching me is that I can’t make it on my own . . . He is there at the worst and best to help me through;  He has sent/ is sending His strength, His Spirit, His people to hold me up, walk with me, to live life to it’s fullest.

When I began to understand what God was teaching me, that the rules were what I came up with to help me survive on my own,  I was able to take responsibility for how I chose to react to external stimuli.  Then I was open to hear what God was saying and to walk in the direction He was pointing me.

I am speaking in the past tense.  I have been through this process, but I am also going through this process each day.   Sometimes it is easier to see what I have built as a jail cell and sometimes it takes much more to see the prison around me.  The process is me, trusting in God to sustain & support me, stepping out of whatever “cell” I am dealing with and taking a risk.  Sometimes my rules have been confirmed, I think because I am testing without using discernment and test in unsafe waters.  The time for testing in unsafe waters will come, but it’s not the best place for testing in the beginning.  What is the best place for testing?  That will be the topic of my next post.