Sometimes I find it so easy to let my “used to be” (you know, the me without God) speak to who I am now. I wallow in my shame, sadness and loss. That’s not the greif that God desires for us or that Jesus made possible for us. Again, that’s the old way and the [...]
As I think about the different factors that led me off the path God has been showing me it’s easier to speak to the externals (isn’t that always the case?), so I will force myself to deal with the internals first.
The work required towards healing wounds and walking the path God intends can be tiring, fearful and hard at times. With all the rest of life: family, work, friends, church, kids, etc., it can be easier to just look away and try to just make it through today. The short sightedness of this attitude is not lost on me. When I am exhausted and scared of what may be, it is an indicator that I’m attempting to climb a rock face by myself; without Jesus, without the fellowship He has put me in, without encouragement. Often, it has been with great reluctance that I have stepped back into the fray alongside brothers and sisters. Whether out of embarrassment or arrogance or fear the end result is the same.
I am one of those people that want it done now . . . I want to be done with this part of my journey (of walking into wounds and dealing with them) and on to the part that I am living out of wellness, taking my part in His story. This distraction is, maybe one of the worst. I get so caught up in wanting to be done instead of doing the work to be done, the work where I learn how to live.
Sometimes I just wasn’t ready for the next step. This isn’t really a hindrance in the way other factors might be, but it can still be frustrating because I want so much to be in a different place. I love that God has so much grace for me, that He does not want me to step out into what could be devastating for me and brings me along in His mercy. As I come to realizations and ask the question, “Why didn’t I see that back then?” the answer always comes clearly that I was not ready. This response is always acceptable to those walking with you and not being ready can become a hindrance for them. I’ve found that it’s best to be honest about where I am and count that my fellow travelers will be given peace – if not, then, in many ways, they aren’t walking with me and they are not allowing grace for my boundaries.
That’s a nice segue to the issue of how pressure from others have been a factor. The hardest part is I am where I am and just because others might want me to be in a different place doesn’t mean it should be. The best I can do is to communicate as best I can, give as much grace as I can and rest in the hands of my Savior and God. If those around me are working from their own expectations and can’t accept the path God has me on (and where I am on that path) there really isn’t anything I can do about that.
Tags: change, growth, struggles
